A New Page

I don't blog well. The last time I sent something out into the Internet that didn't involve my toddler's experiments in paint and/or a picture of a cute kitty...well, I can't remember that far back.

But this year - this fall - this MONTH - a lot is happening. And I need to thumbtack the moments to a place somewhere, to make sense of what is going on. To make sense of the next phase of our lives as parents, as artists, and as a couple. To make sense of where I'm going - and where I'd like to be.

Next week, my son E will be going to special education preschool. It has been a long journey to get him to this point - that point when I say "yes, he will be okay - he WILL thrive." I love this little boy so very much. For three years, my whole life unfolded and wrapped around his existence. Motherhood is all I've known for three years. "Before E" is a blur of bylines, standing in front of people with confidence, of friends - of being a part of the world. I know I can't be that person again - man, I can't even begin to fit into her skirts (or her shoes - a sad symptom of pregnancy, I'm afraid). I'm someone else - slower, much more tired, more cynical in some ways, less cynical in other ways. I know I like this person I am now - better than I did that twenty-something years ago who had no clue what love really meant.

This summer, I got to return home to my family in the Philippines. My father and mother are facing a lot of life-changing challenges. I won't go into too much detail here, to preserve their privacy. I brought E with me - talk about diving off into the deep end for his first travel experience. He rocked it (save for his attempt to flush the hotel telephone down the toilet during an expected layover in Honolulu on the way back). My boy loved meeting everyone back in Manila. He was a champ. I, on the other hand, found myself feeling...I dunno - displaced? Shocked? Numbed? I'm still not sure what I feel about all MY experiences that trip back. Many things turned out well. Other things...I'm not certain about a lot of things. I'll get back to these thoughts - sooner or later.

I'm back now, here in this cute little California city, battling the last of the summer heat and wishing for the coolness of fall to truly set in. I run every day - it's my new passion and my best path to keeping calm during long days. I'm trying to finish my novel(s) and have a brilliant group of kindred spirits who give me the best support another creative person can receive. I have a husband who just told me he wants to make the best life for our family. I have parents living far away - and I want to make their lives easier, and I still don't know how. And most of all, I have a beautiful, amazing boy - I hope I can ensure the joy light in his eyes never fades.

All these things, these thoughts, these changes - I hope to make sense of them. If you are reading, thank you - and for now, I hope you're able to put up with these meandering sentences. I'm trying to catch that fluffy cloud train in the sky. I hope to be on my way.

Until then,

Sincerely,

Scribeymom