Monday, August 19, 2013
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Where were you on...?
It's that date again. A decade and plus out from that morning we all stared at tragedy broadcast live on our screens, and life changed. Not just for the victims and their families. Not just for New Yorkers. Not just for national security. It all changed after that day - remember?
I see status questions "Where were you on...?" - and instead of posting my usual reply (first radio gig, then long day - LONG MONTH - at newsroom after), I just remember. The "before." Before was the nineties, and youth. And a sense of security. Certainty.
After...of course I remember the aftermath. The world changed. People changed. Lives became more raw, more real. Fear became part of our lives. We watched warnings and colors on the news, waiting for the next one.
A near-dozen years later, there's a new generation - high-tech, post-9/11. People bent over their devices all day. Remember phone calls from something wired to the wall? Remember bookstores? For my generation, yes - we remember. For the younger, it's all vintage. It's ironic.
I watch the recent election coverage. Apparently, hope is also now vintage - an ironic word thrown about by pundits.
Today, remembering, I am sad. It all makes me sad. Those twin tower pictures aren't just a symbol of that terrible day. It represents what is lost. Of days gone by.
Here, today, in the thick of some of biggest challenges of my life, during the most difficult days, yeah - I do look back. I do retreat to that place, "before."
Where were you on....?
I was young. I had purpose. I worked hard. I was appreciated. I was able to help. I believed.
Where am I now?
I am not sure how to answer that question.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Layers
I walked into this afternoon's writing meeting feeling pretty dark. I almost didn't notice the beautiful old cat standing sentinel at the doorway of my friend's new cottage - a sweet, fluffy creature who looked like he wanted a good long snuggle. As I crossed the threshold, I was quiet and withdrawn despite the warm greetings of friends.
It took an hour of hearing amazing stories and a LOT of laughs from those kind souls to get me out of my funk.
Man, this past week was rough.
E and I adjusted to the new time zone with many sleepless nights. Hubby had to work on a lot of projects, so I didn't have a lot of down time - and had to hit the ground running with long hot days spent with a bored/tired/cranky boy in our tiny house. I also had to deal with the revelations from a project that went sour - end assessment: it wasn't a good fit. All I will say is: Type A personality (me) does not mix well with people in love with their own errors. I won't say "never" as far as working with these people again, but I will be cautious. (Also: the work didn't pay anything, so it wasn't logical to VOLUNTEER for a daily headache.)
I added ten minutes to my running time this morning. That worked for a bit.
But it was the time with friends that gave me the much-needed boost. Today, I needed to listen. And in return, they listened, when I started to open up more about what had happened during my forty days out of the country. Yeah, all that stuff. I felt my feelings creak out of me as I talked. I realized as I sat there how much I ABSORBED. How much I kept inside.
No one judged. No one said anything about right or wrong, good or bad. We talked about how each person's experience is different. We talked about just how difficult and amazing life can be. We talked about how lucky we really all were to have found each other as friends - and how blessed our lives are, looking down at the whole picture.
It's important to see everything with layers. As much as I'd like to put annoyances and annoying people into a box marked "YUCK," there's really nothing like that in real life. Things...PEOPLE...are more complicated than that.
I also realize I can get quite prickly analyzing these layers all by my lonesome.
Yes, even Type A cranky Scribeymoms need friends. And I am lucky to have found them.
Thank you, amigas - and to more happy Sundays, despite it all,
Sincerely,
Scribeymom
It took an hour of hearing amazing stories and a LOT of laughs from those kind souls to get me out of my funk.
Man, this past week was rough.
E and I adjusted to the new time zone with many sleepless nights. Hubby had to work on a lot of projects, so I didn't have a lot of down time - and had to hit the ground running with long hot days spent with a bored/tired/cranky boy in our tiny house. I also had to deal with the revelations from a project that went sour - end assessment: it wasn't a good fit. All I will say is: Type A personality (me) does not mix well with people in love with their own errors. I won't say "never" as far as working with these people again, but I will be cautious. (Also: the work didn't pay anything, so it wasn't logical to VOLUNTEER for a daily headache.)
I added ten minutes to my running time this morning. That worked for a bit.
But it was the time with friends that gave me the much-needed boost. Today, I needed to listen. And in return, they listened, when I started to open up more about what had happened during my forty days out of the country. Yeah, all that stuff. I felt my feelings creak out of me as I talked. I realized as I sat there how much I ABSORBED. How much I kept inside.
No one judged. No one said anything about right or wrong, good or bad. We talked about how each person's experience is different. We talked about just how difficult and amazing life can be. We talked about how lucky we really all were to have found each other as friends - and how blessed our lives are, looking down at the whole picture.
It's important to see everything with layers. As much as I'd like to put annoyances and annoying people into a box marked "YUCK," there's really nothing like that in real life. Things...PEOPLE...are more complicated than that.
I also realize I can get quite prickly analyzing these layers all by my lonesome.
Yes, even Type A cranky Scribeymoms need friends. And I am lucky to have found them.
Thank you, amigas - and to more happy Sundays, despite it all,
Sincerely,
Scribeymom
Saturday, September 1, 2012
A New Page
I don't blog well. The last time I sent something out into the Internet that didn't involve my toddler's experiments in paint and/or a picture of a cute kitty...well, I can't remember that far back.
But this year - this fall - this MONTH - a lot is happening. And I need to thumbtack the moments to a place somewhere, to make sense of what is going on. To make sense of the next phase of our lives as parents, as artists, and as a couple. To make sense of where I'm going - and where I'd like to be.
Next week, my son E will be going to special education preschool. It has been a long journey to get him to this point - that point when I say "yes, he will be okay - he WILL thrive." I love this little boy so very much. For three years, my whole life unfolded and wrapped around his existence. Motherhood is all I've known for three years. "Before E" is a blur of bylines, standing in front of people with confidence, of friends - of being a part of the world. I know I can't be that person again - man, I can't even begin to fit into her skirts (or her shoes - a sad symptom of pregnancy, I'm afraid). I'm someone else - slower, much more tired, more cynical in some ways, less cynical in other ways. I know I like this person I am now - better than I did that twenty-something years ago who had no clue what love really meant.
This summer, I got to return home to my family in the Philippines. My father and mother are facing a lot of life-changing challenges. I won't go into too much detail here, to preserve their privacy. I brought E with me - talk about diving off into the deep end for his first travel experience. He rocked it (save for his attempt to flush the hotel telephone down the toilet during an expected layover in Honolulu on the way back). My boy loved meeting everyone back in Manila. He was a champ. I, on the other hand, found myself feeling...I dunno - displaced? Shocked? Numbed? I'm still not sure what I feel about all MY experiences that trip back. Many things turned out well. Other things...I'm not certain about a lot of things. I'll get back to these thoughts - sooner or later.
I'm back now, here in this cute little California city, battling the last of the summer heat and wishing for the coolness of fall to truly set in. I run every day - it's my new passion and my best path to keeping calm during long days. I'm trying to finish my novel(s) and have a brilliant group of kindred spirits who give me the best support another creative person can receive. I have a husband who just told me he wants to make the best life for our family. I have parents living far away - and I want to make their lives easier, and I still don't know how. And most of all, I have a beautiful, amazing boy - I hope I can ensure the joy light in his eyes never fades.
All these things, these thoughts, these changes - I hope to make sense of them. If you are reading, thank you - and for now, I hope you're able to put up with these meandering sentences. I'm trying to catch that fluffy cloud train in the sky. I hope to be on my way.
Until then,
Sincerely,
Scribeymom
But this year - this fall - this MONTH - a lot is happening. And I need to thumbtack the moments to a place somewhere, to make sense of what is going on. To make sense of the next phase of our lives as parents, as artists, and as a couple. To make sense of where I'm going - and where I'd like to be.
Next week, my son E will be going to special education preschool. It has been a long journey to get him to this point - that point when I say "yes, he will be okay - he WILL thrive." I love this little boy so very much. For three years, my whole life unfolded and wrapped around his existence. Motherhood is all I've known for three years. "Before E" is a blur of bylines, standing in front of people with confidence, of friends - of being a part of the world. I know I can't be that person again - man, I can't even begin to fit into her skirts (or her shoes - a sad symptom of pregnancy, I'm afraid). I'm someone else - slower, much more tired, more cynical in some ways, less cynical in other ways. I know I like this person I am now - better than I did that twenty-something years ago who had no clue what love really meant.
This summer, I got to return home to my family in the Philippines. My father and mother are facing a lot of life-changing challenges. I won't go into too much detail here, to preserve their privacy. I brought E with me - talk about diving off into the deep end for his first travel experience. He rocked it (save for his attempt to flush the hotel telephone down the toilet during an expected layover in Honolulu on the way back). My boy loved meeting everyone back in Manila. He was a champ. I, on the other hand, found myself feeling...I dunno - displaced? Shocked? Numbed? I'm still not sure what I feel about all MY experiences that trip back. Many things turned out well. Other things...I'm not certain about a lot of things. I'll get back to these thoughts - sooner or later.
I'm back now, here in this cute little California city, battling the last of the summer heat and wishing for the coolness of fall to truly set in. I run every day - it's my new passion and my best path to keeping calm during long days. I'm trying to finish my novel(s) and have a brilliant group of kindred spirits who give me the best support another creative person can receive. I have a husband who just told me he wants to make the best life for our family. I have parents living far away - and I want to make their lives easier, and I still don't know how. And most of all, I have a beautiful, amazing boy - I hope I can ensure the joy light in his eyes never fades.
All these things, these thoughts, these changes - I hope to make sense of them. If you are reading, thank you - and for now, I hope you're able to put up with these meandering sentences. I'm trying to catch that fluffy cloud train in the sky. I hope to be on my way.
Until then,
Sincerely,
Scribeymom
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